MY Soul Talking

First published Saturday, April 09, 2005

My Soul Talking....
I found out today that a friend has returned to the States. This is a lady that I have not known for a long time but I instantly bonded with. I knew that she had gone back before because of suffering depression here. We had not known one another long enough to talk about that. I had shared with her some of my struggles. She could relate and had shared a book with me about fear and depression. It seems our hubbies ran into each other in the BKK airport yesterday and spent hours talking. It was probably good for K to talk with someone else whose wife struggles. Deep struggles....intense struggle.... Wanting to return to the States type of struggles. I have mixed feelings about how much I should write about this here. I want to live an honest and open life before others and that is fine when there is not so much struggle. It has been a little better lately. Maybe because I'm so busy I don't have time to think about it. But the down days still come with a vengance.

Larry Crabb says, "I've always been suspicious of talk about joy. Most of it seems to encourage denial. We pretend we're not hurting. And most of what we call joy depends on blessings. Get it right and life will work. Then you can be full of joy and praise God for his goodness." Then he goes on to say that this is religion that leads to pride and despair....not the brokenness that comes with true revival of the heart. "Religion keeps the power of God merely trickling through our lives, like water through a twisted hose. Only brokenness straightens out the kinks.Then revival comes. Living water gushes. Passion flows. What is most alive within us, a passionate desire for God himself, comes pouring out. As Habakkuk waited for the Lord in touch times, he saw how he had not yet abandoned himself to God's vision."

What would it mean to abandon myself to God's vision? I like what Habakkuk 2: 1 says, "I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the Lord will say to me and how he will answer my complaint." I am so full of complaining. My spirit is complaining.....

"Brokenness precedes revival.... but what precedes brokeness? .....unmanageable vision....When we see a vision that we simply cannot achieve we are humbled. but when we aim so high we are forced to face how inadequate our adequacies are, we fall flat on the ground and realize our need for spiritual power....and we admit we don't have it....even though others may observe us thriving ....there's no power coming out of us that stirs someone's appetite for God."

I am inadequate. Inadequate to live this life. I should be teaching others...able to show them God's power. My "little" sins get in the way of spiritual power flowing through me toward spiritual vision. The sin of wanting MY way, my comforts, not wanting to take the time or the effort it would take to learn the language and get into the culture. Just wanting to operate in "my" world. Not wanting to be embarrassed because I don't understand how I offended without meaning to. Wanting to just hole up in my house on my couch...dreaming that I was somewhere surrounded by family and friends.

I am inadequate.

Dear God, I need you to change my heart and fill me with your adequacies. My sinful heart doesn't want to change. I don't want to put the effort into it. Hosea 7: 13-14 says, "How terrible it will be for my people who have deserted me...I want to redeem them but they have only spoken lies about me...my complaining....They do not cry out to me with sincere hearts, instead they sit on their couches and wail..." Have mercy on me, O God and fill me with your adequacies! Bring me Revival!

posted by vcitywife @ 2:07 PM